Why does a narcissist act like it's nothing when they hurt you?

None of us walked into a relationship thinking the one you are vulnerable with and want to grow together spiritually emotionally sexually and mentally is a big old nothing burger or coke zero. We did not understand whonir what we were getting invilved with. If we had a crystal ball we sure as hell woukd not have signed up for how it unfolded.

This is the question we all have teied to wrap our heads around. I have come to the conclusion that it really comes down to a few things.

so this causes friction. The water and oil arent mixing. The relationship will inevitably fall into conflict because you paird with a person who truly does not have the capacity to grow and mature in the relationship.

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forgive yourself

naturallly you address this and they become angry with you. They dont eant to admit they are not who you think they are. You are feeling anxious, worn out because the goid times are being outweighed by the bad times. Yet you stay because you feel the relationship is salvagable and they arent interested in thst because they dont think they have done anything wrong. Most narcs pathology will not allow them to introspect. They fight accountability and responsibility.

so you do what we all did you fight for the relationship and they already have an eye on the exit door. Most of us dont even realize they have leftcthe relationship long before you have figured that out.

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their is nothing you can do that will fix what was already broken and its not your fault.

Cognitive dissonance due to their dr hekyl mr hyde switch. Where did that person go. You may start noticing they lie, omit, they play mind games and create arguements, ruin holidays or do things where thibgs feel shadey or not right. While you are unaware they are hiding their affairs, their porn addiction, they left the intimacy of the relationship to self gratify and your needs are not being met

so why do they act like they dont care? Because they dont. They have a verry limited window for you as a transaction and that hurts. It hurts to think you gave your pearls to a pig. You get angry you wasted how much time only to realize their is nothing in your power that will fix it. It was never your place to fix what was already broken long before you arrived.

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thank god you are not like them so let them go

work on you and youll find someone who wants you in their life without the mind games, the sadness, the lonelieness, the anxiety and toxicity

They get angey because the red flags are not going away. They may try to use the silent treatment or bread crumbing or stone walking or future faking - they deploy all these tactics to jeep you in control and off balance

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find yourself some healing

the truth is the relationship was off the rails from the start. We may even saw a little white lie or a red flag from the beginning in the first three months or so but they are quick to throw you off. You had no idea they were studying you. They begin to know your stengtgs and weaknesses bettercthen you do and yes they weaponize these things.

they act like nothing is happened aftercthey hurt you because they truly dont think they have done anything wrong. They have built up an impenetrable wall of maladaptive coping mechanisms and no apathy. No desire to change or make ammends.

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

Fact: you are looking to find the good in them while they coukdnt be more opposite. They are looking for the fkaws in you. How can the two of you find a fluidity if both are not on the same page.

love yourself

for them they have a superficial and shallow outlook in life and operate as others have been so quick to point out they do not bond.

How do you fight the push and pull (manipulation) tactic if you want to win him?

So when you get up in the morning your focus isnt self entitlement. Your needs arent focussed on how do you gain benefit , remain in control and go through life with a mask on trying to conceal the wounded creatures that they are. They dont want you to discover they are cowardly and fragile, the mask tries to stuff all this down deep

how sad while you were lost in thought about something they did or said that made you feel special and it makes you feel special or needed. While if you took a snapshot inside their head they are thinkibg of the next hook up, the next person to exploit, the next shiniest object or thing that gives them validation. Once your devalued they are on a huby for whatever is going to give them the next rush the next hit of supply that validates their entitlement.

so the anger or for some rage is a primal go to emotion for them. Of course they do not possess emotional intelligence or attachment so you see them irritable because they cant communicate what is going in in their head. Theyld rather avoid or blane shift, anything to let you know they are just bot able to adult. They often say they are bored. They are restless, they split off from the relationship and make sure you take the blame for this.

What are some common examples of condescending behavior?

The intermittant reinforcement has now formed a trauma bond. Your mind is starved for normalcy, love, affection, calmness, joy, and you cant or wont admit that the person who said they loved you has managed to funnel you into a one sided relationship where you are not on equal ground and this is that friction.

First off, you have to look through a different lens. When you dont have a personality disorder you are caught off guard because you dont think, process, digest info like they do. They do not have empathy, they do not have impulse control. They react from a core of shame and they have egos that need to fed.

over time the nask slips and you miss the person you first met , the person who groomed you, they may have love bombec you, they tried to mirror you or be the person you want them to be. The relationship deteriorates and you become devslued from the idealisation phase. You feel

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while you see them through your lens as a whole person wether they are in your bed, at work, visiting , eating out and like i said earlier we see them as perfectly flawed lime wr are in the beginning but they only see things in you where you dont meet their 10/10 perfection criteria.

you may or may not have identified they are on their ohones or on the net scouring for the next person who will bring them fresh supply because now they see you as weak, needy, clingy, or too emotional when in fact the truth is they have set your relationship on self detonate.

you deserve better you have to believe that

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like i said you dont have a personality disorder so how would you understand the almost impossible. Being with them is like living in a vaccum seperated from sanity and calmness. You forget how normal people act, bond, share, love and a healthy secure person wont punish you for god knows what trigger set them off this time.

so while your self is grounded in recipriocity, love, giving, nurturing, caring, are mindful of relationship goals and loyalty your narc coukd care less about such things. So when you feel like you are alone in a one sided relationship - you are.

sometimes with a trauma bond not only do you want to fix them but you want them to fix you. You believe only they can fix you or that youll never find soneone like them. Maybe after the discard you replay in your head how if you coukd just do one more round with them theyll have a come to jesus moment. Or maybe if you hust changed ir lost weight or made mire money. Maybe if you just gave them more soace or less. Maybe if you had just swallowed your feelings and not brought up how they are hurting you , you coukd have made it work. Maybe they just dont realize how much you love tgem. Maybe if you went on a great vacation or did the freaky sexual things that conpromised your values they would have stayed. Nope

Why would a girl not want you to know she has a crush on you?

Again when you see how they operate through their lens , youll understand better why it feels the way it does with no closure no logic no reasoning no desire to do beeter by you.

you work harder in the relationship. They dont care. You may fall for their victimhood presentation or you intuitively know something with them is off. You twist yourself into pretzels trying to fix or heal them so you have a relationship that doesnt feel like a car going forward wiith square wheels.

narcs have one thing in common object they lack object constancy

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the truth is they cant be fixed. You cant pray the barc away and no therapist is going to be able to help save your relationship